Preview...MotoGP Jerez

Has the season actually started? Three weeks is a long time, especially if you're a butterfly, and since the opening eclipse round in Qatar we've all sort of fogged over. Can anyone remember what happened?

Never mind, what's more important is that after the false start it's all due to start up again for real in the south of Spain at Jerez.


Now is there anything the Spanish love more than MotoGP? Well yes, plenty. Lazing around and animal cruelty to name but two. So although not the premier Spanish pastime it's fair to say that the work-shy greasebags do absolutely love their MotoGP…but which local boy will they be supporting?

The grey corner - Dani 'the boring little sulkster' Pedrosa.
Thumbelina Pedrosa moved from 250's to HRC a few years ago and with the introduction of Honda's crap 800cc rule everyone rolled their eyes and expected that GP racing would have an even more boring Spanish champion than Alex 'blackout' Criville. At the time Honda were riding high and clearly had the best machine - how else could Nicky Hayden win the championship?
But like all the Spanish Senoritas HRC's beauty suddenly turned withered and ugly building Dani a nail for 2007. It wasn't the plan. A good enough reason for him to frown.
2008 is looking better but is the little upstart now just a modest failure?

The gold corner - Jorge 'King Midas' Lorenzo
Lorenzo could be one of the savours of MotoGP. Okay so we all hate him and would all like to 'knock him and his swollen head down a peg or two' but his evil face makes MotoGP more interesting. Admittedly after last season a small piece of tissue paper blown up against the main grandstand (or even James Toseland) would make MotoGP more interesting but Midas gives it something else. Furthermore he hates Pedrosa and is ready for a fight.
His opening race at Qatar was brilliant…a future world champion?

Okay so there are Spain's two big hitters. (Or one and a half if you want to get medical). The problem is that both riders are fairly detestable. In days gone by the local carnivores only had Jester Gibernau to support so some would split and back Rossi instead…but the Italian's a failure these days and his defeater, Casey Stonehead, hasn't really got the 'likeable gene' possibly due to him being Australian.

So maybe the Spaniards will just turn up with their neat donkey and enjoy the race? And maybe we will? The race in Qatar was borderline interesting and maybe Jerez will take it one step further? ...MGPN

EDIT; I guess you can't upload Power Point on this thing. Bummer. You're truly missing out.

Xaus

I sat on one of these Ducati Hypermotards (just minutes after crashing out of the the Southridge Mall 500 event) the other day...fucking BOING! 1000cc's of crazy v-twin torque wrapped in a chassis that weighs about the same as Kobe Tai. I couldn't even imagine how fun it would be to hooligan round town aboard one these. Witness Xaus' knee-down approval.

The Southridge Mall 500

The Southside fella in the green and tan truck tried to pass me on the right as I was turning right. Obviously I was in clear violation of several NASCAR codes by not turning left...Most notably NASCODE 43.5a which states "Under no circumstance will a driver think about, let alone attempt, a right turn. Any driver found guilty of said infraction will be damned to Hell and banned from all WalMart and Home Depot stores." Oh well...I'll get a new bumper, quarter panel, and some paint out of the deal. The zip ties I had in the glove box were put to good use.

Meow Mix

Sunday Night Fever

Polesitter Lorenzo Jorge looked relaxed on the starting grid.

I have a calendar on my wall. It's the dullest, least inspiring calendar ever produced – even including the Foggy Petronas ones. Usually calendars display photos of amazing locations or acts of brilliance to motivate and inspire you through your dreary life. Not this one. This one has twelve different photos that are all identical - almost as if they're monotonous snapshots from Pedrosa's lacklustre imagination. Every month, with its saturation lacking image, is as bad as the last. This folks is the 2007 calendar, and it won't go away.

However qualification for the opening 2008 MotoGP race had rocked the calendar. Rookie, and all-round gold-plated figure of hatred, Jorge Lorenzo was brilliantly on pole. British hope James Toseland did the impossible and qualified second giving the tea-supping losers in the UK finally a rider they had hope of getting a rostrum with…instead of hoping their rider wouldn't just be an embarrassment (see: James Ellison). Throughout the grid in fact the newboys, with their fresh faces and off-center haircuts, were really giving the impression they weren't (unlike Rossi's tax advisor) just making the numbers up.



Suddenly my 2007 calendar wasn't looking so smug. It was rattling precariously on the wall looking far from secure…just like the curtain rail I'd put up without using wall-plugs.

But it was when the lights turned to green that the action really started. With no measurable weight and a face like a grapefruit Dani Pedrosa, on the much hated 2008 HRC machine, hit front. He must have been smiling like pleasured crazy man. The boring Spaniard, not wanting to be in any form of interesting action, fled leaving the excitement behind.
And what excitement! Toseland, Lorenzo, Rossi, Stoner and, predictably to a lesser extent, Edwards decided the best way to catch Thumbelina would be to beat the shit out of each other.

Take that 2007 calendar! In a moment of madness I cleanly pulled the once smug and well-anchored schedule of misery from the wall, hurling it into the 'green bin'*. Who's laughing now?

Eventually, after several interesting laps, the running order sorted itself out. The Tech 3 boys, with their 1997 R6 engine, were no match for the factory bikes and drifted back. This left Pedrosa still up front but with Lorenzo leading Rossi and Stoner gaining ground behind.
The furry Italian Rossi knows 2008 is a 'make or break' year. He either breaks his losing duck or is made to look an idiot for sulking until he got his Bridgestone tyres. With this on his hedge-trimmed haircut he set about catching and passing King Midas Lorenzo and then Pedrosa to take the lead.

Then the inevitable happened. We hit one-third (or one-turd) distance and Stoner made his way comfortably to the front. From that point he headed away and would never be caught again.
Knowing my fait I sullenly glanced up at the wall. And there it was. Sitting proud and permanent was the 2007 calendar. If it could have laughed at me it would have. But it was far too dull to even contemplate cracking a semi-smile. Instead it just mocked me with its putrid presence.

So was that it? Was that the end? Thankfully not!

First of all step forward new boy Lorenzo. Not content with being able to cry golden tears the likeable Spaniard (and by likeable I mean totally hateable) skilfully passed his arch-rival Pedrosa before sticking a golden finger up his team-mate's arse and barging past loser Rossi.
And it didn't stop there. Undeterred that his champion oversized cranium might cause excess drag King Midas Lorenzo set about chasing the 2008 champ Stoner upfront. Although it was a fruitless task he did at least keep the cocky convict working hard all race.

By which point Rossi was fading. Afterwards the Italian said he was unsure of the reason of his demise…but it may have been he didn't now know who or what to blame.
It took a wimpy Pedrosa about 500 laps to pass a coasting Rossi mainly thanks to the Spaniard's dire braking. Eventually though, after more failed attempts at success than Team Manager Foggy, Pedrosa played the odds with his 50kph faster bike and managed to girlishly take the place from the yellow taxpayer. The last podium slot would be his reward.

But with time running out who else could duff up the fading Rossi? Andrea Dovizioso – that's who!
Dozy's come from the 250's. But no one really knows him because Lorenzo has taken all the limelight and headspace.
Luckily he was on form today and took the fight to Rossi. The final few laps saw the pairing aggressively fighting so close that you could hear Uccio cry. Deservedly though it was the new boy with a girl's name, Dozi, who took the fourth slot after a brilliant duel.
Following home the pairing alarmingly close was the excellent on track, terrible in a lift rider James Toseland. He's British too.

So, judging from that display, who should panic then? Sadly the old boys. They were the real losers with the bottom half of the grid looking very dated and World Superbike like.

Possibly the farmhand Hayden and horsefaced Melandri were the biggest race losers. Not only did the pairing have seriously lacklustre races they also had the fun of seeing their respective partners excel.

So in the end the 2007 calendar stayed on my wall. But its position remains vulnerable. Maybe the new boys can spice up the racing from its current status as bland as Ikea's food catalogue? Hope so...MGPN.

* Everyone should do their little bit to save the planet…whilst those bastards in Qatar do their big bit to ruin it.

Mamola's Prerace Big-ups (thanks Stuey & MGPN)

Hi folks! It's time once again to leave the Harley on the front porch, salute the star spangled flag in honour of Uncle Buzz Aldrin and sit back in a Louisiana recline as I fire over a few southpaw liberty loving haymakers at city hall and present to you the only race preview you can trust - Randy MamolaTM Official MotoGP big up of the Grand Prix of Iraq

Well with the US army of justice recently and successfully neutralising the threat of a hotdog strike out in the oilfields of Iraq it's without fear that Uncle Randy will open up his pit lane boulevard of Justice for round 1 of the MotoGP season.
Now I'm not sure if we've bombed this place of late but if we have, and for sure I'm sure we will have, it's worked wonders in hoop-shotting the democratically instigated constitution. Everywhere you look you can't see foreigners and for me alone, along with all my brave brothers in arms, this is what makes a foreign country less foreign and for sure more great.

This year MotoGP bigwigs have decided to run the MotoGP race at night. Whilst European readers maybe astonished by such revolutionary thinking might I point out that Baseball, NASCAR and going to the Drive-in movie at about 7-7.30 are all American ideas and yes - all at night.

So who do I, R.Mamola esq, think will be sipping the sweet Florida juice spoils first in the victory lane sidewalk? Well on one hand, we have Hayden who already has one hand on the trophy. But the other hand, on the other hand, we have say Hoppers who singled handily also has one hand, arguably either hand, handing the trophy to himself. But obviously the third hand, on the other hand of the other hand, states that either hand of Edwards has a fair hand in being handed the title to either hand and that any of the three hands, be it a handed hand or a hand that's singled handily handed to the hand of the hand, will be handing back the trophy to into the hands of the USA.

With the American riders more likely than ever to excel in their sophomore year I feel that the battle for 4th place will be a keen and rather boring contest won by which ever rider gets in front at the first bend or by a pre-decided lotto held in pit lane that fixes race positions and guarantees the following 'Thorny for Europe' issues:

(a) No rider may pass another rider unless the manoeuvre has been approved in writing by the race director three working days prior to the event
(ii) No rider may switch off the traction control setting from the factory default European 'front-pushing-wears-briefs-not-boxers' setting.
(3) No rider may feed the cheese to the rear and allow the rear hoop to outspin the front hoop.

It's a constitution guys that I'd never sign up to.

Randy's big race big 1-2-3 away

1st Young Nicky Hayden aka Nicky Hayden
2nd John 'Hopper' Hopkins
3rd Colin Edwards

MVP: Chocolate Brownies
Constructor: Wall Street Journal.

Okay I guess I figure that I'm guessing to figure for sure that it's time to man the gates and cast a farewell to you America Online viewers.

Preview...MotoGP of Qatar (where!?!?)

Some things are just better in the dark. Like the short fat girl at the disco who knows, deep in her blubber encased overstrained heart, that when the cruel daylight reveals her true outer shell she'll be once again be transformed from Beyoncé to Beth Ditto.
Qatar, in all its glory, is the short fat girl - and this one's covered in sand. It's a circuit like no other. Mainly thanks to the fact that no other ridiculous location has yet found the cash to persuade (read: bribe) the powers that be that actually it is a good idea to race a race there.




So the opening round of the 2008 MotoGP season will be run in the desert. But, uniquely, it'll be held at night. Why? Well the official reason is that running a night race will be a lot cooler than one run through the day. Of that there is no doubt. Who could ever have predicted that it may be hot in the middle of a desert through the day?
The unofficial reason for the night race, however, is to hide the fat girl. No one ever turns up to watch the Qatar race. Why would they? The main grandstand is a two-metre garden bench. The spectator car park has space for two full sized camels. The PA is a man who sits between the two spectators and gives his personal opinion on what he thinks might be happening.
All in all this looks bad on TV…unless you hide it.

Luckily for all the track itself will be well lit. Five trillion watts of cheapo electricity will be banged through the many floodlights to give, so the brochure says, lighting as good as the daytime. Take that environmentalists. Which all leads us back questioning "why don't they then run it through the day….oh yeah…cos it's in the middle of the desert…"

So who'll win the Paris to Qatar rally? The wise man would say Casey Stoner. But who would the simpleton pick? You know the guy who's based his prediction on the pre-season babbling and has been confidently betting on Edwards each year to win. Well he'd probably pick Stoner too.
The cocky little Aussie has been awesome pre-season. And if you're a clown and want to claim "Oh…but testing means nothing…" then please go put a large bet on Melandri to win before stating your statement.

At least it will be moderately interesting to see the riders out in action again whilst constantly thinking 'which team has the black bikes again'?
More interesting though (and most things are, Pedrosa excepted) is the mouth-watering prospect of the rookie of the year. Last season a Frenchie won it. He was the only rookie and therefore won it by default. This sums up excellently the 2007 season.
But this season we've four real flyers, each with something to prove:-

Jorge Lorenzo (Fiat Yamaha Team): He wants to prove he can rule the world.
James Toseland (Tech 3 Yamaha Team): He wants to prove that a classical pianist can mix it with the normal people
Alex De Angelis (San Carlo Honda Gresini): He wants to prove that mental illness is nothing to be scared of*
Andrea Dovizioso (Jir Scot Team): He wants to prove he's as good as Lorenzo.

Hopefully this brave new breed, along with young stars like De Puniet, may make 2008 an interesting season. But then again I was optimistic this time last year.

* Not from his point of view anyway

WSBK Round Deux...Australia

Things have been going fantastically. A grid filled to bursting with promising rookies and veterans with something left in the tank. Pits filled with the latest and greatest production-based, two-wheeled rocketships (and Kawasaki). A huge 15 round, 30 race season combining classic, beloved race venues with a smattering of new and interesting tracks. The 2008 Superbike Party is all set to go off, but it turns out there is a turd in the punchbowl.

A cheating turd.

Thumping Ducati's and Angry Aussies have joined forces to spoil all the fun. Sound familiar?

The Axis Of Evil 3.0 do not want excitement. They do not want championships to go down to the wire. They do not want you to think your favorite rider has a punchers chance.* Their idea of fair play is taking a gun to a fencing match. If they had their way we would go back to the year 2004 and the World SuperDuck Championship.

But that would be too obvious, so they have been forced to make due with the 1098+100R.

But for Round 2 at Phillip Island, the harsh reality of impending Ducaussie™ domination could be overlooked thanks to some truly ridiculous riding** and dramatic unpredictability (for every position except first place).

Race 1
The red lights went out, followed instantaneously by the light going out in Michel Fabrizio's brain. Just like that, the first sphincter-tightening moment of the weekend was upon us. As the second factory Ducati stalled out on the first row of the grid, thousands of race fans the world over found out what they were made of.




If you began chanting "nononononononononono!" through clenched teeth, then go to bed tonight in the comfort of knowing you are, deep down, a decent human being.

If you mumbled anything like "yes!" or "sweet!" as a wide smile spread across your lips then lets just say that you, Biaggi, and guys who club baby seals have a lot in common.

Even in the dangerous and abusive world of motorcycle racing, nothing says "impending doom" like a stalled bike. The next 4 seconds felt like 3 hours as each passing wave of machines missed him by less and less. Finally Iannuzzo on a green bike plowed into the Italian (possibly the only time a Kwaka will "beat" a Ducati all year). It will be debated for centuries like the Bigfoot/Lock Ness Monster videos, but it appeared that Fabrizio's right boot was not only knocked off but cleared the above-track mounted camera at escape velocity. Perhaps the astronauts on the International Space Station have a souvenir headed their way.
The now be-socked only foot was amazingly still attached to Michel as he limped off the track. They should make entire racing suits out of that sock material. Less lucky was Iannuzzo whose bike caught his leg, performed a Leg Whip that Hulk Hogan would be proud of and finally sat, sumo-style, on top of the unlucky Ninja pilot.

The red flags came out appropriately midway through the lap followed by Checa realizing too late and demolishing his teammate Kiyonari. Sofuoglu also had to take avoiding action, otherwise Checa would have succeeded in taking out all three members of a three rider team at once, an amazing feat even for one with his bike-bending standards.

Phew!

So the racers re-mounted for the second start and Fabrizio took a noticeably cautious drag off the line. Smart lad. Bayliss lead as the Yamaha's swapped places occasionally, along with Max Noykershnir. Things were friskier further back with Max Biaggi barging forward from 16th on the grid thanks to a machine problem fouling up his SuperPole.

Haga started dropping out of the championshi…oops I mean the race…on lap 4 as Checa, Xaus, Nieto and Biaggi continued to surge forward. Unfortunately it looked too late as Stoner…oops I mean Bayliss…was extending his lead and smug Ducati owners everywhere looked on smugly.

The battle for second (get used to it) was hotting up with 7 riders tightly bunched and Haga gasping off the back. For a few corners we see The Bad Max and Checa together and suddenly flash back to when these two were teammates for the Factory Yamaha 500GP team. For those of you who are just learning this fact, you should probably take a break and go lie down somewhere for a while. It's okay, we'll be here when you have recovered and are ready to proceed.



Biaggi shortly reaches the front of the group and amazingly set off after Bayliss. Honestly it was reminiscent of Rossi getting a bad start, playing with the field then reeling Biaggi in before harassing him into a mistake. Had Biaggi turned the tables and become the hunter?

In a word…no.

Right after the commentator jinxed him by saying Biaggi hasn't crashed in some time, Biaggi dumped it off-camera, depriving us of the uplifting and life-affirming site of an ass cartwheeling through dirt.

The new battle for second continued to rage with plenty of paint trading. The random scrapes of other bikes paint schemes actually improved the looks of the eye-bleeding Suzukis, upgrading them from "Appalling" to "Hideous". Corser especially was up for it and continued to fight his visibly destroyed rear tire around the track. He even soldiered on after a wildly scary near highside out of turn 1. He looked likely to come off at any given moment and really deserved a round of applause no matter where he finished, and then a standing ovation for finishing second as he did.

Ducaussie™ took the victory by miles with the re-booted Fabrizio 3rd and Xaus 4th. Nieto held off Checa for 5th with The Good Max in 7th and Haga a distant 8th, but still ten places ahead of Shoo-Fly "I'm allergic to points scoring positions" Aoyama.


Race 2
Race two damn near saw a repeat of the start line pile-up of race one as Corser started to jump the lights, stopped, then re-started too late and was swamped by the field. Shockingly he got back up to 4th in just a couple of corners. Bayliss lead lap 1 then Fonzi Nieto, who apparently needs one full race under his belt before fully awake, blasted to the front down the start-finish straight.

Corser took his turn at the lead later the same lap, but it was not to last. In fact, Corser was completely incapable of wining this race for three reasons.
1) He and Haga had picked harder tires for race two. They dropped off as if the outer rubber layers covered an inner layer of honey-baked ham.
2) He had jumped the start so would be penalized for a ride-through.
3) He was going to crash.
Not wanting to waste everybody's time, he did the honorable thing and skidded out on lap 4.

Apparently everyone behind the front row of the grid just watch whoever happens to be in front of them rather than the lights, because something like 6 riders followed Corser, pied-piper style into jumping the start. The resulting ride-through penalties did no help to riders like Laconi and Smrz, who were having a decent run (honestly).

Biaggi was charging through the field again, on an even faster pace than last race as he was all over Nieto for 2nd by lap 5. Having learned his lesson from the crash in race 1 he took his time and…just kidding, he totally binned it again.

If he did learn anything it's that crashing at low-speed and off-camera is no fun for anyone, so he did us all a favor and almost ran into Nieto, locked up, tank-slapped then went down in a crumpled heap at 160+mph at the end of the front straight and slid for miles. Best of all he almost got splatted like a bug by his flopping Ducati 1098+100R.
For the weekend as a whole Biaggi turned a likely 50 point haul into 0 points, a fractured wrist and two mangled bikes. Win-win-win I say.

That left Xaus and Checa to bring the fight to Nieto. Checa opened negotiations by stuffing Xaus, feeling sorry for it, then waving a quick apology mid-corner. He even one-upped Haga by not crashing while doing so.

As things settled down up front, we got our first real looks at Lavilla, Sofuoglu, Russel Holland and Kiyonari as they battled over who got to demoralize Haga next. Holland, Elias and Takahashi must be in competition with one another to see who will be the first rider in the world to get their shoulder down without crashing.

Nieto was the next to pick on Nori by executing a waving fist at Xaus while knee down in the middle of turn 1, again without crashing. They make it look so easy, don't they Haga-san?

Commercial break for the new Hayabusa, which now looks more like a dowdy anteater with a thyroid problem than a speedy falcon. The commercial also shows it going in a straight line at a drag strip, further pointing out that they corner only slightly better than the average library.

The Axis Of Evil 3.0 brought home the double, followed by Carlos Checa (!) comfortably (!!) in second (!!!). Perhaps those stories that circulated years ago about Checa and his ridiculously modified R1 tear-assing around go-kart tracks smoking the rear constantly were not bunk.

Nieto completed the podium followed by Xaus then a gap back to Nuikershnir and Kayonari. The Samurai Of Sliding Backward held off Lavilla for 7th. The Rotten Tamada was the top Kawasaki in 14th, earning 2 championship points to take home and polish.

A quick look at the championship table shows just how much the cheating is ruining what would otherwise be a completely random free-for-all. Nieto would be leading for Pete's sake!!

Now we get a one month reprieve before Valencia. A track where the Ducaussie™ once destroyed the entire MotoGP field in a one-off ride. Doesn't exactly bode well does it?


* Unless your favorite rider is Shoe-huh? Aoyama, in which case you knew from the start there was no chance
** more specifically, crashing