Steady T: 2016 MotoGP Round 1 - Qatar - Like Sand Through A Camel's Toe

Finally, the MotoGP ballers/shot-callers got their narrow asses off the beaches of Ibiza, out of the clubs, and back to the track to do some grown-folk shit.

Some biggish changes for 2016, including the elimination of the 'open class', dumbed-down electronics, and dumber-downed press conferences. In addition, longtime tire supplier, Bridgestone, has been kicked to the curb with Michelin being brought back in to dole out their French hoops and bum-rush the baguettes.

With the paddock fresh off the tail end of preseason testing, the big to-do was the speed of Paris Hilton's former boytoy, Maverick Vinales, on the Suzuki GSX-RR. The MotoGP sophomore consistently over-performed on the under-performing blue bike, and was a regular at the top of the timesheets. Alien-elect?

In other news, the Hondas seemed to be struggling with the new Windows 95 spec electronics, Rossi signed on for two more years with the Factory Yamacka team, Lorenzo hasn't signed shit (and appears to be gold digging over at Ducati), and Bradley Smith will move to KTM after being told by Tech 3 Yamaha that he will be getting voted off the island at the end of this season. Smith's team mate, Little Asparagus, will more than likely be shoved out of the nest, as well. So there.

Moving on...as it has a habit of doing, Superpole came and went, with Lorenzo dropping the hammer from the get-go by banging in a time of 1:54.54 on his first flying lap of the session. JLo's time stood for the whole session as he helped himself to pole position. Honda's Marc Marquez was so close, yet, so far away with a fast time just 0.09 behind Lorenzo and a second place grid position. Wunderkind Vinales held up his end of the deal with and rounded out the front row. Ducati's Andrea Iannone looked like he had the pace to pole-jack Lorenzo, until a slower rider fucked that up, and Iannone had to settle for a fouth place start. The housewives' favorite, Yamaha's Valentino Rossi, started from sixth, The other Andrea, Dovziozo, started from sixth on his shiny red Ducati. The third row consisted of Daniel Pedrosa, Hector 'Hanna' Barbera, and Little Asparagus, so on and so forth...

Race day...er...night. The riders grid up, a camel gives birth, lights out, and it's 'boogity boogity' time. Lorenzo nailed the start, and Vinales did not. Lorenzo got the holeshot and lead into the first corner, while Vinales got sucked backwards by a tractor beam to seventh. Lorenzo held the lead until the end of the first lap, when Team Andrea simultaneously blew the Yamaha's doors off (metric wood screws sold separately) aboard their Ducati BiPlane16's. Iannone hit the front, and held the lead for several laps, with the other Andrea right on his, human centipede-style. Other Andrea eventually got around Andrea, but that lasted about two corners, as Andrea barged back past other Andrea courtesy of a not-so-team mate-like inside move. The Andreas exchanged pleasantries for another lap or so, until Andrea crash-landed his BP16 into the lush Qatar countryside. Andreas bed-shitting gifted the other Andrea the lead. While this was going on, BFF's Rossi and Marquez battled for fourth. Other than a 'blockish' pass on Rossi by Marquez, no 'please report to race direction' shenanigans ensued. Zzzz.

With 16 laps to go, Honda's Cal Crutchlow crashed out of the race.

Shocker.

Other Andrea held the lead for a few more laps until, with 14 to go, Lorenzo got tired of fucking around, and took over at the front. JLo had to pee really bad, so he dropped the hammer, checked out, and won the race by almost three seconds. Marquez and other Andrea tickle-fought for the remainder of the race, with other Andrea finishing second, just in front of Marquez,

Race Result:

1) Jorge Lorenzo | Yamaha

2) Dovizioso | Ducati

3) Marquez | Honda

4) Rossi | Yamaha

5) Pedrosa | Honda

6) Vinales | Suzuki

7) Little Asparagus | Yamaha

8) Smith | Yamaha

9) Barbera | Ducati

10) Redding | Ducati

11) Big Asparagus | Suzuki

12) Laverty | Ducati

13) Bautista | Aprilia

14) Miller | Honda

15) Rabat | Honda

16) Bradl | Aprilia (DNF/crash)

17) Baz | Ducati (DNF/crash)

18) Crutchlow | Honda (DNF/crash)

19) Iannone | Ducati (DNF/crash)

20) Hernandez | Ducati (DNF/broken bike)

Round 1 is in the books. The next stop is in two weeks for the Gran Premio Motul de la Republica Argentina...A.K.A...a race in Argentina sponsored by Motul. Last year at the Motul Gran Poobah is where the tomfoolery really escalated between Rossi and Marquez. Let's hope they get the band back together.