MotoGP ~ Jerez ~ The Three Amigos

Hola! It's round three of the 2013 MotoGP world championship from the circuito Jerez de la Frontera, which is Spanish for 'Dude...you parked your flying saucer on my racetrack!'. After his debut MotoGP win in Texas, local heart throb, Marc Marquez, comes in to Jerez tied for the championship points lead with local heart throb 2.0, Jorge Lorenzo at 41 metric points, each. That other fast Spanish guy, Dani Pedrosa, sits back in third.

Lorenzo may be the first loser in the Spanish 'heart throb' department, but Saturday found him celebrating his 26th birthday by taking pole position in qualifying, and having the final corner of the track renamed in his honor...curva de Jorge Lorenzo, or something like that. I'm sure there was cake involved.

As for other qualifying shenanigans, Pedrosa starts from second, and Marquez in third. In the final minutes of qualifying, both Crutchlow and Rossi looked like they could each threaten for a front-row start, but they both opted to put on high-speed yard sales, instead. Crutchlow fired his Yamaha (and himself) into the airfence heading in to the final corner, resulting in his bike landing in the cheap seats. Rossi tucked the front into the super-speedy (and awesomely-named) Dry Sack corner. Rossi's bike did a bunch of rollover flippy-floppies, landed in the gravel, and was boxed up and shipped back to the Factory Yamaha garage. Homeboy Hayden managed a decent seventh place grid position, and Edwards a not-so-decent twentieth. Texas' Ben Spies is sitting this one out with a jacked-up shoulder.

So, with all that out of the way, it's time to go racing. The riders grid-up, the crowd wakes up from its pre-race siesta, the lights go out, and Pedrosa hit the front. Much like Pedrosa himself, his time at the front is very short, as Lorenzo takes the lead in turn 2. Marquez settles in third, followed by Rossi, Crutchlow, and everyone else. Rossi tells Marquez to get off his lawn and moves past him into third. A few corners later, Marquez, who does not like being told what to do by old Italian men, gets back past Rossi into third, and sets sail for the other two amigos, up front.

The next handful of laps were a bit of a snoozefest. Bradl crashed, but he's German, so even his crash was boring. Lorenzo holds station at the front, but with Pedrosa right on his ass. Pedrosa finally went past Lorenzo into the Dry Sack (insert Beavis and Butthead laughs here) corner to take the lead. I'd tell you that Pedrosa went on to gap the field and win the race, but then you'd stop reading. I wouldn't blame you.

While Pedrosa is off to maybe win the race, Marquez has caught up Lorenzo, and the battle for second is on like Connie Chung. Rossi is still back in lonely fourth, and the only other real action is Crutchlow and Bautista battling for fif place. Crutchlow and Bautista swapped spit for a few laps, until Crutchlow finally sealed the deal and cruised home in fif.

Meanwhile, Pedrosa is very much(maybe)on his way to his first win of the season. Marquez is still honey-badgering Lorenzo for second...nearly ass-packing him, on several occasions, in the process. Rast rap...Marquez is on Lorenzo's case in full 'crouching tiger' stance (i.e.; waiting for Lorenzo to fuck up). Out of the long right-hander and into the final (Lorenzo) corner, Lorenzo leaves the door wide-open. Marquez, in an ode to Rossi/Gibernau 2005, dive bombs up the inside of Lorenzo, punt him off the track, and brings it home in second. Lorenzo manages to keep it upright, and pouts across the line in third.

In Parc Ferme', Marquez tries to apologize to Lorenzo for his antics. Lorenzo responds with a Mutumbo-styled finger wag after exploding a box of Captain Crunch Marquez had offered up as a token of peace. So with that, Marquez leaves 'Hereth' with the championship points lead and a face full of Captain Crunch dust.

Result;

1) Pedrosa

2) Marquez

3) Lorenzo

4) Rossi

5) Crutchlow

6) Bautista

7) Haystack

8) Dovizioso

9) Esparago

10)Smith

11)Pirro

12)Barbera

13)Laverty

14)Petrucci

15)Edwards

16)Staring

17)Corti

18)Aoyama

DNF)Bradl/crash

DNF)Iannone/mechanical

DNF)Pesek/mechanical

DNF)DePuniet/crash

DNF)Hernandez/crash

The next round is in two weeks in France at Le Moans...cheer up emo kid.

T...out.

MotoGP ~ Austin ~ The Baby-Faced Assassin

Hello and welcome to the second round of the 2013 MotoGP season blah blah blah blah Circuit of the Americas blah blah blah Texas. Last time out, at Qatar, Lorenzo got the hole-shot and cruised home to take the win and lead in the championship. In other Qatar news, a newly re-Yamaha’d Rossi bagged a solid 2nd place, just beating out rookie Marc ‘Baby-faced assassin/The Joker /BFA93/Marky Marq’ Marquez who took…duh…3rd.

On to Texas…Rossi, Lorenzo, Marquez, Pedrosa, and Bradl all took part in a 3 day test, last month, which supposedly gave them the advantage of additional track time to learn the uber-tricky 20-turn circuit. Spies and Hayden also got a chance to poop around the track on street bikes during a Ducati PR event, last month. Because of all this additional track time, I expected to see all seven of these riders on the podium on race day. I don’t think that’s asking too much. On Wednesday night, someone left their iron on in the Yamaha Tech 3 garage, and a small fire broke out. No bikes were damaged, but some laptops and a few pairs of white sunglasses were destroyed. The sprinkler system also went off, soaking everything in the Tech 3 garage as well as those of the Factory Yamaha Team, the Repsol Honda Team, the LCR Honda Team, and whatever team Karel Abraham rides for. Squee-Gee party, tonight!

The teams got their garages tidied up in time for practice and qualifying, which went a little something like this…Marky Marq took his debut pole in MotoGP. He also become the youngest rider to take pole position in MotoGP since Freddie ‘the key is’ Spencer, back in 1876. Pedrosa and Lorenzo rounded out the front row. Tech 3’s Cal Crutchlow, who had no prior experience at COTA, overcame the guilt he felt for leaving the iron on, and qualified in a solid 4th place. Rossi wound up in 8th. Hayden and Spies qualified in 10th and 12th...behind CRT rider Aleix Asparagus. As for the rest of team America, Edwards ended up in 18th, and Attack CRT wildcard entry, Blake Young, just managed to qualify for the race, and started from lasteenth place. The other American wildcard entry, Michael Barnes on the GP Tech CRT bike, did not qualify for the race, but I’m sure he stuck around for a few $12 hamburgers.

One person who was noticeably absent from the track was Texas’ Kevin Schwantz. Schwantz was the driving force in bringing MotoGP to Texas, but some behind the scenes douchebaggery courtesy of Dorna and COTA, and the resulting court case meant that Schwantz was barred from the track. Dicks.

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! The riders drag their asses out of bed, shit/shower/shave, and line up on the starting grid. A moment of silence is observed in tribute to the victims of the recent events in Boston and West, Texas, then the lights go out and the riders to the go 'Two-wheel Two-steppin' in Texas' (c. Jonathan Greene 2013) into the first turn. Marquez takes the lead into turn 1, but runs a wee-bit wide, which allows Pedrosa into the lead.

LCR Honda's Bradl slotted into 2nd, followed by Marquez, Lorenzo, and Crutchlow. Ducati's Dovizioso made a decent start on his red shopping cart in 6th. Rossi got a crap start but managed to take over 6th from Dovizioso. Marquez quickly got past Bradl, and set off after his teammate, little Dani P. A few corners later, Lorenzo also got past Bradl, and took over 3rd. That was pretty neat.

Next on Bradl's 'who's gonna pass me, next?' list is Crutchlow. For the next few laps Crutchlow rides Bradl's ass (not in a prison-y way) and then makes a move, fucks that up, runs wide, and heads back to the drawing board. Crutchlow finally manages to reel Bradl back in, reattach himself to the German's ass, and eventually gives him das boot via a fairly stout inside pass...par for the course for Crutchlow.

Up in frontsville, Pedrosa is still leading with Marquez behind him, just biding his time, and waiting to make a move. Lorenzo is still stuck back in 3rd, where he will finish. Moving on...Everyone pretty much holds station until there's 9 laps to go, when BFA93 delivers the death blow, shoves Pedrosa aside, and scampers off to win the race, becoming the youngest rider to ever win a MotoGP race. Nice work, kid. Pedrosa tries to keep up, but eventually rolls it home in 2nd. Marquez' win has him tied with Lorenzo for the championship lead at 41 points each. Game on!

Back in the pack, Rossi forgot to remove his disc lock, before the race, and blamed his 6th place finish on a broken front brake rotor. As for the 'mericans, Hayden finished in an exceptionally average 9th place, Spies crossed the line in 13th, and Blake Young finished where he started in lasteenth place. Colin Edwards retired from the race with a broken something-or-other.

Next stop is at Jerez, in Spain in two weeks. Will we see another Spanish inquisition, or will Rossi leave the disc lock at home and do the business. He doesn't care, he's off to Charlotte to spend a day or two turning left.

Results, y'all;

1) Marquez/Honda

2) Pedrosa/Honda

3) Lorenzo/Yamaha

4) Crutchlow/Yamaha

5) Bradl/Honda

6) Rossi/Yamaha

7) Dovizioso/Ducati

8) Bautista/Honda

9) Hayden/Ducati

10)Iannone/Ducati

11)Espargaro/Aprilia CRT

12)Smith/Yamaha

13)Spies/Ducati

14)DePuniet/Aprilia CRT

15)Hernandez/Aprilia CRT

16)Laverty/Aprilia CRT

17)Aoyama/Kawasaki CRT

18)Barbera/Kawasaki CRT

19)Corti/Kawasaki CRT

20)Staring/Honda CRT

21)Young/Kawasaki CRT

DNF)Petrucci/BMW CRT (retired)

DNF)Pesek/BMW CRT (crash)

DNF)Edwards/Kawasaki CRT (retired)

T...Out

*Pics from MotoGP.com

MotoGP Qatar - Like a boss

So…it’s the first round of the 2013 MotoGP season at the ‘racetrack in a sandbox’ Losail Circuit, in Qatar. This marks the tenth year that the Losail circuit has been hosting MotoGP…don’t say I didn’t teach you anything. The big news, which has all the Uccios at full-boney, is that Valentino Rossi told Ducati to go get fucked, and re-jumped ship back to the Factory Yamaha team, where he won some races and championships and stuff, a few years ago. Ben Spies sort of did the same (minus the championships), but in reverse, and ditched the Factory Yamaha for a satellite Ducati shopping cart…I’m still baffled on this one, but, whatever. In other news, Marc Marquez graduated from Moto2 to a top-shelf Repsol Honda ride (The ‘rookie rule’ is so 2010.), Dovizioso took over Rossi’s vacant Factory Ducati, and Britain’s favorite Moto2 mid-packin’ ginger kid, Bradley Smith, found himself on a Tech 3 Yamaha, for 2013…and that is how you write a proper run-on sentence. Also, a bunch of CRT riders switched teams/bikes/chassis/engines/sunglasses sponsors …Google it.

Also new for 2013 is the ‘new for 2013’ qualifying format. Pay attention and take notes. The riders with the top ten times from all the free practice sessions, combined, get a free pass through to the second (and final) 15 minute qualifying session (QP2). Everyone else must go through the first 15 minute qualifying session (QP1), with only the top two riders in QP1 advancing to QP2. Andrea Iannone and USA’s Ben Spies were the only prototype riders who did not make the cut for QP2, so they had to slum it in QP1 with all the CRT riders. Iannone and Aleix Espargaro (ART Aprilia CRT contraption) were the top two in QP1, and advanced to QP2. Big Ben Spies didn’t make the cut. Are you getting all of this?

QP2. I think the idea behind having two short, 15 minute qualifying sessions (versus a single 45-minute session), was that the riders would be trying to set their fast laps right away, versus cruising around and dicking around with bike adjustments, etc…more excitement, I guess. What happened, especially in QP2, was sort of a traffic clusterfuck, with everyone on track at the same time, getting in each other’s way. Jorge Lorenzo made the smart move, and was the first one out on track, when the session started. With no traffic in front of him, he banged out a few fast laps, secured pole position, scurried back to his pitbox, and called it a day. Rossi kind of fucked himself by entering the track behind a bunch of slower riders. He didn’t really get any clear track, and ended up qualifying 7th. Bummer dude. Calvin Crutchlow and Dani Pedrosa rounded out the front row. The second row consisted of Dovizioso, Bradl, and Marquez. As for the Yanks; Hayden 11th, Spies 13th, and Edwards 19th.

On to the race. The 'drivers'(c. 2013 Greg Creamer)grid up, random camel poops are swept off the track by the corner workers, and its game on. Lorenzo gets the jump on everyone and immediately opens up a gap. Pedrosa slots into second, followed by Dovizioso, Crutchlow, and Rossi. Rossi gets past Crutchlow and goes after Dovizioso. Rossi makes a move on Dovizioso but runs wide. Later in the lap, Rossi takes another crack at Dovi and gets past, but almost ass-packs Pedrosa in the process, and loses several places. Up front, Lorenzo pretty much checks out, rides like a boss, and wins the race by a country kilometer...enough about him.

Meanwhile, Marquez has been coming through the field, and is now on Crutchlow's ass. Marquez eventually helps himself to an around-the-outside move on Crutchlow, into turn 1, and sets after his teammate, wee-Dani P. Crutchlow has latched on to Marquez and Dani P., but can't get past. Any time he makes up in the tighter parts of the track is lost to the top speed of the Hondas on the front straight. While all this is going on, Rossi is two spots back trying to get past Bradl. Rossi finally murders Bradl on the brakes and gets past. Bradl tries to hang with Rossi, but the German no-can-do and beaches his u-boat in the process. Schiesse!

Finally, with clear track in front of him, Rossi (who is also riding in a very 'boss-like' manner) starts to reel in the Pedrosa/Marquez/Crutchlow funky bunch, who are about 5 seconds ahead. Six laps to go, and Marquez moves past Pedrosa to take the the lead of the funky bunch. While this is going on, Rossi finally latches on to the funky bunch, and gets past Crutchlow (sending him off in to the desert in the process). Few corners later, Rossi makes quick work of Pedrosa, into 3rd, and goes after Marquez. Rossi goes past Marquez into a right-hander and makes it stick.

Marquez gets the spot back a the end of the front straight, but Rossi ain't got time for that, and repays the favor two corners later. Rossi proceeds to turn it up to 11, leaves Marquez behind, and brings it home in a solid second place. Italy spontaneously combusts.

On the cool-down lap, Rossi's bike ran out of fuel, and he had to hitch a ride to Parc Ferme' on the back of his Iannone's Ducati. Oh, the irony.

Result:

1)Lorenzo/Yamaha

2)Rossi/Yamaha

3)Marquez/Honda

4)Pedrosa/Honda

5)Crutchlow/Yamaha

6)Bautista/Honda

7)Dovizioso/Ducati

8)Hayden/Ducati

9)Iannone/Ducati

10)Spies/Ducati

11)Espargaro/ART Aprilia

12)De Puniet/ART Aprilia

13)Barbera/FTR Kawasaki

14)Hernandez/ART Aprilia

15)Aoyama/FTR Kawasaki

16)Corti/FTR Kawasaki

17)Laverty/PBM Aprilia

18)Pesek/Suter BMW

DNF)Edwards/FTR Kawasaki

DNF)Petrucci/Suter BMW

DNF)Bradl/Honda

DNF)Smith/Yamaha

DNF)Staring/FTR Honda

DNF}Abraham/ART Aprilia

So, that's about that...Lorenzo picks up where he left off, Rossi has his shit together, Marquez is legit, and Pedrosa is...well...Pedrosa. The next stop is in two weeks, when MotoGP makes its first appearance at the brand spankin' new Circuit of the Americas, which is located in Texas, America. New York City? Get a rope!

Photos from twitter.com/texastornado5 and www.motogp.com

T...out

MotoGP San Marino

Round 13 of the 2012 MotoGP world championship brings the crew to the recently renamed Misano World Circuit Marco Simoncelli in the Republic of Dan Marino. The track was renamed in honor of local MotoGP star and hair-farmer, Marco Simoncelli, who who lost his life as a result of injuries sustained during the opening laps of last year's Malaysian Grand Prix.

In other news...Homeboy Hayden is back after his Indy moonshot, Honda World Superbike's Johnny Rea is in for Stoner on a Repsol Honda, and Spies finally spilled the beans that he would be on a 'factory-supported' Pramac Ducati, for 2013.

Hurry up and wait...after scurrying around to get their trucks unloaded, pit boxes assembled, and bikes set up in time for Friday's first practice session, the rain fell mainly in San Marino. Only a handful of riders went out in either of the day's free practice sessions, and accomplished a whole lotta nothing. Everyone else just loafed around in the paddock doing what/whoever. Water scares them almost as much as being away from their iPhones and white sunglasses for any amount of time.

No time for cartoons, on Saturday, as the boys need to get their shit together and figure out what color of power bands work best around the MWCMS. The first session, on Saturday was wet-n-patchy, which had most of the riders going with the more conservative-colored power bands. Blue, purple, and olive green seemed to work the best as they tenderfooted around in the wet-to-drying conditions.

By the time Saturday afternoon's qualifying session rolled around, the track was dry, the sun was shining, and it was time to uncork the power of the preferred colors...fire engine red, neon orange, and bedazzled glitterchroma. With that rainbow party out of the way, we have Pedro on pole, JLo in second, and Calvin Crutchlow in third. The second row was Bradl, Bautista, and Rossi. The Ben Spies was the top Yank in eighth, and everyone else blah blah blah...so on and so forth,

So with the clusterfuck that was practice and qualifying out of the way, I was sure we can count on a hassle-free, smoothly-executed race, right? Negative Ghostrider. On the starting grid, daddy's boy Abraham managed to stall his Ducati just as the red lights were about to go out. The yellow flags came out, the red lights turned to blinky amber lamps, and about half the grid launched from their grid spots...somehow, no one got ass-packed.

Grid up, part deaux...the riders are waiting to do another warm up lap when Pedrosa's crew suddenly wheel his Honda off the grid and back behind pitwall. It turns out the well-oiled machine that is Pedrosa's crew managed to get his tire warmer caught in the brakes. They finally figured their shit out and send Pedro out on his sighting lap, from pit lane. Pedro barely makes the grid, having to draft the pace car just to get there. Since his bike had to be wheeled off the grid and into the pits, Polesitter Pedro is forced to start from last on the grid. Brutal.

Lights out....finally. JLo gets away with the holeshot, with Rossi (gasp!) in second, and Bradl barging his way into third. From last on the grid, Pedrosa gets up to twelfth, but that doesn't matter, because a few corners later, Hectic Hector Barbera mumbles something about Estoril 2006, and uses his Pramac Ducati to torpedo Pedro...sending the wee-Spaniard tumbleweeding into the gravel. No es bueno.

Up front, JLo's going away...guess who wins? Rossi and his shiny red shopping cart are looking solid and fast, as opposed to earlier this season (and all of 2011) when they looked more tentative than a senior citizen trying walk down a sidewalk after an icestorm. Behind Rossi was Bradl in a solid third, with the Tech 3-skateers, Crutchlow and Dovi, playing grab ass in fourth and fifth. Cancel that...Crutchlow just hit the deck. The Spies is now in fifth with Bautista closing fast, in sixth.

Bautista finally gets past Spies and quickly starts to reel in Dovi. Within a few laps, Bautista is on Dovi's ass (not in a gay way), and is looking threatening (not in a rapey way). Bradl's in front of the both of them, but is dropping fast. Bautista makes quick work of Dovi and proceeds to latch on to the rear of Bradl (OK...that one's questionable). At this point Bautista, Bradl, and Dovi are scrapping it out for the bottom position...err...step...on the podium. Bautista's looking comfortable as he tops this battle for the bottom spot on the podium. Dovi starts to push hard, and gets right on the tailpipe of Bautista, but Bautista pushes harder and finishes just .003 of a second before Dovi. Towel, please.

Rossi bags a solid second, and his first dry podium on a Ducati since the dawn of time. Is a win out of the question before he re-jumps ship to Yamaha?

JLo cruised home to a, pretty much, flawless 23rd win of the season. With Stoner gone at the end of the year, and JLo back with Yamaha, 2013 could be a bit of a snoozer. Then again, we have Moto2 nutcases Marq Marquez and Andrea Iannone moving up to the big boy class. They might hurt a few people's feelings...I hope.

Did Good:

1)Lorenzo / Yamaha Factory Racing

2)Rossi / Ducati Team

3)Bautista / San Carlo Honda Gresini

4)Dovizioso / Monster Yamaha Tech 3

5)Spies / Yamaha Factory Racing

6)Bradl / LCR Honda MotoGP

7)Hayden / Ducati Team

8)Rea / Stoner's Bike

9)De Puniet / Power Electronics Aspar

10)Pirro / San Carlo Honda Gresini

11)Edwards / NGM Forward Racing

12)Hernandez / COL Avintia Blusens

13)Ellison / Paul Bird Motorsport

14)Petrucci / Came Ioda Racing

15)Salom / Avintia Blusens

Did Not:

DNF)Espargaro / Power Electronics Aspar

DNF)Crutchlow / Monster Yamaha Tech 3

DNF)Pasini / Speed Master

DNF)Barbera / Pramac Racing

DNF)Pedrosa / Repsol Honda

DNF)Abraham / Cardion AB Motoracing

JLo has left the building with a grown up-sized 38 point lead over Pedro. Stoner and his jacked-up ankle are still in with a mathematical chance, but sit a hefty 84 points behind JLo, with five rounds to go. The next stop is September 30th (a.k.a. my birthday) at the Aragon circuit near Alcañiz, Spain. Send me gifts.

T...Out.

*Pictures from www.cycleworld.com, www.mcnews.com.au, and www.topsportracing.com