MotoGP Qatar - Like a boss

So…it’s the first round of the 2013 MotoGP season at the ‘racetrack in a sandbox’ Losail Circuit, in Qatar. This marks the tenth year that the Losail circuit has been hosting MotoGP…don’t say I didn’t teach you anything. The big news, which has all the Uccios at full-boney, is that Valentino Rossi told Ducati to go get fucked, and re-jumped ship back to the Factory Yamaha team, where he won some races and championships and stuff, a few years ago. Ben Spies sort of did the same (minus the championships), but in reverse, and ditched the Factory Yamaha for a satellite Ducati shopping cart…I’m still baffled on this one, but, whatever. In other news, Marc Marquez graduated from Moto2 to a top-shelf Repsol Honda ride (The ‘rookie rule’ is so 2010.), Dovizioso took over Rossi’s vacant Factory Ducati, and Britain’s favorite Moto2 mid-packin’ ginger kid, Bradley Smith, found himself on a Tech 3 Yamaha, for 2013…and that is how you write a proper run-on sentence. Also, a bunch of CRT riders switched teams/bikes/chassis/engines/sunglasses sponsors …Google it.

Also new for 2013 is the ‘new for 2013’ qualifying format. Pay attention and take notes. The riders with the top ten times from all the free practice sessions, combined, get a free pass through to the second (and final) 15 minute qualifying session (QP2). Everyone else must go through the first 15 minute qualifying session (QP1), with only the top two riders in QP1 advancing to QP2. Andrea Iannone and USA’s Ben Spies were the only prototype riders who did not make the cut for QP2, so they had to slum it in QP1 with all the CRT riders. Iannone and Aleix Espargaro (ART Aprilia CRT contraption) were the top two in QP1, and advanced to QP2. Big Ben Spies didn’t make the cut. Are you getting all of this?

QP2. I think the idea behind having two short, 15 minute qualifying sessions (versus a single 45-minute session), was that the riders would be trying to set their fast laps right away, versus cruising around and dicking around with bike adjustments, etc…more excitement, I guess. What happened, especially in QP2, was sort of a traffic clusterfuck, with everyone on track at the same time, getting in each other’s way. Jorge Lorenzo made the smart move, and was the first one out on track, when the session started. With no traffic in front of him, he banged out a few fast laps, secured pole position, scurried back to his pitbox, and called it a day. Rossi kind of fucked himself by entering the track behind a bunch of slower riders. He didn’t really get any clear track, and ended up qualifying 7th. Bummer dude. Calvin Crutchlow and Dani Pedrosa rounded out the front row. The second row consisted of Dovizioso, Bradl, and Marquez. As for the Yanks; Hayden 11th, Spies 13th, and Edwards 19th.

On to the race. The 'drivers'(c. 2013 Greg Creamer)grid up, random camel poops are swept off the track by the corner workers, and its game on. Lorenzo gets the jump on everyone and immediately opens up a gap. Pedrosa slots into second, followed by Dovizioso, Crutchlow, and Rossi. Rossi gets past Crutchlow and goes after Dovizioso. Rossi makes a move on Dovizioso but runs wide. Later in the lap, Rossi takes another crack at Dovi and gets past, but almost ass-packs Pedrosa in the process, and loses several places. Up front, Lorenzo pretty much checks out, rides like a boss, and wins the race by a country kilometer...enough about him.

Meanwhile, Marquez has been coming through the field, and is now on Crutchlow's ass. Marquez eventually helps himself to an around-the-outside move on Crutchlow, into turn 1, and sets after his teammate, wee-Dani P. Crutchlow has latched on to Marquez and Dani P., but can't get past. Any time he makes up in the tighter parts of the track is lost to the top speed of the Hondas on the front straight. While all this is going on, Rossi is two spots back trying to get past Bradl. Rossi finally murders Bradl on the brakes and gets past. Bradl tries to hang with Rossi, but the German no-can-do and beaches his u-boat in the process. Schiesse!

Finally, with clear track in front of him, Rossi (who is also riding in a very 'boss-like' manner) starts to reel in the Pedrosa/Marquez/Crutchlow funky bunch, who are about 5 seconds ahead. Six laps to go, and Marquez moves past Pedrosa to take the the lead of the funky bunch. While this is going on, Rossi finally latches on to the funky bunch, and gets past Crutchlow (sending him off in to the desert in the process). Few corners later, Rossi makes quick work of Pedrosa, into 3rd, and goes after Marquez. Rossi goes past Marquez into a right-hander and makes it stick.

Marquez gets the spot back a the end of the front straight, but Rossi ain't got time for that, and repays the favor two corners later. Rossi proceeds to turn it up to 11, leaves Marquez behind, and brings it home in a solid second place. Italy spontaneously combusts.

On the cool-down lap, Rossi's bike ran out of fuel, and he had to hitch a ride to Parc Ferme' on the back of his Iannone's Ducati. Oh, the irony.

Result:

1)Lorenzo/Yamaha

2)Rossi/Yamaha

3)Marquez/Honda

4)Pedrosa/Honda

5)Crutchlow/Yamaha

6)Bautista/Honda

7)Dovizioso/Ducati

8)Hayden/Ducati

9)Iannone/Ducati

10)Spies/Ducati

11)Espargaro/ART Aprilia

12)De Puniet/ART Aprilia

13)Barbera/FTR Kawasaki

14)Hernandez/ART Aprilia

15)Aoyama/FTR Kawasaki

16)Corti/FTR Kawasaki

17)Laverty/PBM Aprilia

18)Pesek/Suter BMW

DNF)Edwards/FTR Kawasaki

DNF)Petrucci/Suter BMW

DNF)Bradl/Honda

DNF)Smith/Yamaha

DNF)Staring/FTR Honda

DNF}Abraham/ART Aprilia

So, that's about that...Lorenzo picks up where he left off, Rossi has his shit together, Marquez is legit, and Pedrosa is...well...Pedrosa. The next stop is in two weeks, when MotoGP makes its first appearance at the brand spankin' new Circuit of the Americas, which is located in Texas, America. New York City? Get a rope!

Photos from twitter.com/texastornado5 and www.motogp.com

T...out