2016 MotoGP Round 1 - Qatar - Like Sand Through A Camel's Toe

Finally, the MotoGP ballers/shot-callers got their narrow asses off the beaches of Ibiza, out of the clubs, and back to the track to do some grown-folk shit.

Some biggish changes for 2016, including the elimination of the 'open class', dumbed-down electronics, and dumber-downed press conferences.  In addition, longtime tire supplier, Bridgestone, has been kicked to the curb with Michelin being brought back in to dole out their French hoops and bum-rush the baguettes.

With the paddock fresh off the tail end of preseason testing, the big to-do was the speed of Paris Hilton's former boytoy, Maverick Vinales, on the Suzuki GSX-RR. The MotoGP sophomore consistently over-performed on the under-performing blue bike, and was a regular at the top of the timesheets. Alien-elect?

In other news, the Hondas seemed to be struggling with the new Windows 95 spec electronics, Rossi signed on for two more years with the Factory Yamacka team, Lorenzo hasn't signed shit (and appears to be gold digging over at Ducati), and Bradley Smith will move to KTM after being told by Tech 3 Yamaha that he will be getting voted off the island at the end of this season.  Smith's team mate, Little Asparagus, will more than likely be shoved out of the nest, as well.  So there.

Moving on...as it has a habit of doing, Superpole came and went, with Lorenzo dropping the hammer from the get-go by banging in a time of 1:54.54 on his first flying lap of the session.   JLo's time stood for the whole session as he helped himself to pole position.   Honda's Marc Marquez was so close, yet, so far away with a fast time just 0.09 behind Lorenzo and a second place grid position.  Wunderkind Vinales held up his end of the deal with and rounded out the front row.  Ducati's Andrea Iannone looked like he had the pace to pole-jack Lorenzo, until a slower rider fucked that up, and Iannone had to settle for a fouth place start.  The housewives' favorite, Yamaha's Valentino Rossi, started from sixth,  The other Andrea, Dovziozo, started from sixth on his shiny red Ducati. The third row consisted of Daniel Pedrosa, Hector 'Hanna' Barbera, and Little Asparagus, so on and so forth... 

Race day...er...night.  The riders grid up, a camel gives birth, lights out, and it's 'boogity boogity' time.  Lorenzo nailed the start, and Vinales did not.  Lorenzo got the holeshot and lead into the first corner, while Vinales got sucked backwards by a tractor beam to seventh.  Lorenzo held the lead until the end of the first lap, when Team Andrea simultaneously blew the Yamaha's doors off (metric wood screws sold separately) aboard their Ducati BiPlane16's.   Iannone hit the front, and held  the lead for several laps, with the other Andrea right on his, human centipede-style.  Other Andrea eventually got around Andrea, but that lasted about two corners, as Andrea barged back past other Andrea courtesy of a not-so-team mate-like inside move.  The Andreas exchanged pleasantries for another lap or so, until Andrea crash-landed his BP16 into the lush Qatar countryside.  Andreas bed-shitting gifted the other Andrea the lead.  While this was going on, BFF's Rossi and Marquez battled for fourth.  Other than a 'blockish' pass on Rossi by Marquez, no 'please report to race direction' shenanigans ensued.  Zzzz.

With 16 laps to go, Honda's Cal Crutchlow crashed out of the race.

 Shocker.

Other Andrea held the lead for a few more laps until, with 14 to go, Lorenzo got tired of fucking around, and took over at the front.  JLo had to pee really bad, so he dropped the hammer, checked out, and won the race by almost three seconds.  Marquez and other Andrea tickle-fought for the remainder of the race, with other Andrea finishing second, just in front of Marquez,

Race Result:

1)  Jorge Lorenzo | Yamaha

2)  Dovizioso | Ducati

3)  Marquez | Honda

4)  Rossi | Yamaha

5)  Pedrosa | Honda

6)  Vinales | Suzuki

7)  Little Asparagus | Yamaha

8)  Smith | Yamaha

9)  Barbera | Ducati

10)  Redding | Ducati

11)  Big Asparagus | Suzuki

12)  Laverty | Ducati

13)  Bautista | Aprilia

14)  Miller | Honda

15)  Rabat | Honda

16)  Bradl | Aprilia  (DNF/crash)

17)  Baz | Ducati  (DNF/crash)

18)  Crutchlow | Honda  (DNF/crash)

19)  Iannone | Ducati  (DNF/crash)

20)  Hernandez | Ducati  (DNF/broken bike)

Round 1 is in the books.  The next stop is in two weeks for the Gran Premio Motul de la Republica Argentina...A.K.A...a race in Argentina sponsored by Motul.  Last year at the Motul Gran Poobah is where the tomfoolery really escalated between Rossi and Marquez.  Let's hope they get the band back together.

* Photos courtesy of www.motogp.com (except the owl; some accomplished wrench-throwing dude took that).

T...out.

MotoGP Round 5 At Le Meh

So yeah...last weekend was round 5 of the MotoGP World Championship at Le Mans, which was the home race for exactly zero riders in the MotoGP class. Last time out at Jerez, Marc Marquez took his fourth pole position and win of the season. For all my confused baseball nerd friends out there, it's the equivalent of batting 1000. You're welcome.

In France, it would be a Spanish guy on a Repsol Honda (no, not that Spanish guy on a Repsol Honda, but the other Spanish guy on a Repsol Honda)who would take pole position and the win. Tech 3's MotoGP rookie, Pol Espargaro, put in an impressive ride to qualify in second position...to celebrate, he and his brother later cried and hugged it out. Andrea Dovizioso put the Red (not quite as much of a) shopping cart (as it used to be) in a decent third spot. Bradl in fourth, Rossi in fifth, and Lorenzo in sixth...so on and so forth.

Race day...Spanish guy on a Repsol Honda (SGOARH from here on out) takes his spot at the front of the grid. DORNA, who don't want SGOARH to check out from pole position, and make the race as boring as the country it is being held in, throw a little hush money his way so that he'll make a shit start, and be forced to work his way back up through the field.

The lights go out, SGOARH fulfills his obligation, and does a full retreat to around tenth position. Meanwhile, up front, Andrea Iannone punts Homeboy Hayden off track just three corners into the race. Bummer, dude. With SGOARH back in the pack, somewhere, it was Dovizioso who took the lead followed by Bradl and little Asparagus. Dovi's time at the front lasted only a few laps before Rossi came through and pissed on his parade. Rossi quickly put a gap on the field, and looked like he might bag his first win since Assen, last year.

SGOARH had other ideas as he was tired of fucking around with the mid-packers. SGOARH hit the 'soul crusher' switch of his Honda and quickly made his way through the field like shit through a goose...kind of like an expert track day rider who goes out to pick on the novice group just for funzies. Up front, Rossi was looking all comfy until his pit board let him know that SGOARH was closing quickly and would soon be on his yellow and blue ass. Like this and like that, SGOARH caught and passed Rossi, and went on to put a gap on the field that was best measured with a sundial. Guess who won the race? Rossi cruised it home in a safe second place.

Before the last race, at Jerez, Gresini Honda's Alvaro Bautista got the 'pull your head out of your ass' speech from his team boss after a hat trick of crashes at the previous three races. That 'talking to' seemed to work as Bautista finished a decent sixth at Jerez, and scored his first podium finish of the season at Le Mans after a good battle with little Asparagus. Bautista celebrated while little Asparagus went back to his pit box to hug and cry...that guy's kleenex bill must be out of control.

So, with his win at Le Mans, SGOARH became the youngest MotoGP rider to win five races in a row, or something like that. Old Rossi, once again, looked like the the Rossi of old. Methinks he'll sign on for another two years at Y'maka.

MotoGP world championship points standing after round 5:

1 Marky MARQUEZ Honda 125

2 Daniel PEDROSA Honda 83

3 Valkilmer ROSSI Yamaha 81

4 Anders DOVIZIOSO Ducati 53

5 J-Money LORENZO Yamaha 45

6 Steve BRADL Honda 39

7 Pauly ESPARGARO Yamaha 38

8 Albert ESPARGARO Forward 37

9 Bradley SMITH Yamaha 34

10 Alvin BAUTISTA Honda 26

11 Andrew IANNONE Ducati 25

12 Nicky HAYDEN Honda 23

13 Cleetus AOYAMA Honda 21

14 Scott REDDING Honda 18

15 Mr. HERNANDEZ Ducati 16

16 Calvin CRUTCHLOW Ducati 15

17 Carol ABRAHAM Honda 9

18 Colin EDWARDS Forward 7

19 Donald PETRUCCI ART 2

20 Hannah BARBERA Avintia 2

21 EdelBroc PARKES PBM Goose Egg

Next stop is Mugello, where the Uccios will be in full effect...boyeee!

T...out

MotoGP - Double Dose And A Hat Trick Of Hat Tricks (Pack A Lunch)

Hello to my follower out there. I'm sorry for missing the Argentina race. Lately, my work with the Michael Hutchence Syndrome Awareness foundation has been very time consuming, and has been preventing me from updating this trainwreck. The work is hard, sometimes emotional, and occasionally leaves me feeling a little choked up. On the plus-side, you are about to be treated to a report that covers not one...not three...but two races. Happy early Festivus, to you.

First up was MotoGP round 3 at the Autodromo Termas de something something Rio Honda in sunny Argentina. This is a new track on the MotoGP calendar, and that would have one believe the playing field would be a little more level. Right? Right.

In the first practice session, It was current MotoGP superhero, Marc Marquez, who finished in a lowly (for him) fourteenth place, while almost everyone else went quite a bit quicker than him and started getting getting their hopes up. That didn't last long, as from the next session on through qualifying, Marquez resumed his 'Soul Crusher 2K14' world domination tour and finished the day in pole position for the race...his third of the year. Lorenzo and Pedrosa rounded out the front row, but still were about a second behind Marquez on the charts. Rossi in sixth, Homeboy Hayden back in twelfth, and blah blah blah etc. etc...plus tax.

Race day...the riders grid up, an Incan child mummy is unearthed, the lights from red to off, and the boys motorboat it into the first turn. Lorenzo hit the front with Crazy Joe Iannone on his ass, in second. It didn't take long for Iannone to fuck up and let the Rossi/Pedrosa/Marquez train steam past. Lorenzo came out on top and looked like he might be able to put a gap on the rest of the field. As this was going on, Albert Espargaro was sitting in the gravel updating his status to 'Just crashed...frownie face'.

Rossi and his homie Iannone were bickering over second place as Marquez, who got a shit start and dropped back to seventh, was on the case and was soon up to second where he began to apply pressure to the rear of Lorenzo. Lorenzo responded to the pressure on his rear, but it wasn't enough, as Marquez applied more pressure, and soon shot across Lorenzo to take the lead, and the eventual race win.

Back a few places, Pedrosa reeled in Lorenzo, applied a little pressure (because he's a little guy), and made his way to his customary second place race result. Lorenzo managed a solid third and seemed pleased. Rossi, who wasted much of the race mixing it up with Iannone and Bradl, scored a decent/not-so-decent fourth place. May the fourth be with you.

So, there ya' have it. Three races in, and Marc Marquez has scored a hat trick of pole positions and wins. Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Marquez' countryman, Alvaro Bautista, scored his own hat trick (but not the cool kind). For the third race in a row, Bautista beached his Honda, and has scored zero points in the process. 4 out of 5 motorcycle forum nerds who were surveyed agree that Hayden should be given that bike for the rest of the season.

Smoke break...BRB

On to the second race of this 2-fer. This time it's Jerez, in Spain, where the MotoGP common-taters reminded me 100 times 'the season really kicks off'. Duly noted.

Qualifying was it's usual self with that young Repsol Honda guy from Spain scoring his fourth pole position of the year. Second on the grid was that factory Yamaha guy, followed by that short Repsol Honda guy in third. The older guy on the other factory Yamaha started from fourth.

Sunday at 2PM (local time), the riders gridded up, a donkey was sacrificed, the marshall (thinking the bulls were about to run) waved a red flag, and vamos! Ducati's Andrea Dovizioso get the jump and leads it into the first corner. That lead lasted about ten seconds, as Marquez, Rossi, and Lorenzo all made their way past Dovi in the next two corners. it was fun while it lasted. A few corners later, Rossi barged YoungPunk93 out of the way to take over at the front. Marquez humored Rossi for a few laps, letting him think he actually had a chance. The pair slap-boxed for a few laps until Marquez hit the 'fuck this...I'm out' button and went bye-bye.

With Marquez out of the equation and off to win the race by a few clicks on a sundial, it was down to BFF's Rossi and Lorenzo to battle over the final two podium positions. Those two tango'd for a bit before Rossi politely made his way into second which is where he finished the race. Pedrosa put up a good fight, but settled for a company man-styled third. Lorenzo in an unhappy fourth. So there.

Special mention to Gresini Honda rider, Alvaro Bautista, on his inaugural 2014 race finish. Keep up the good work...the sky's the limit.

With round 4 in the bag, the top-10 MotoGP world championship points standings look a little something like this:

1) Marcus Marquez 100

2) Daniel Pedrosa 72

3) Valkilmer Rossi 61

4) Andrew Dovizioso 45

5) George Lorenzo 35

6) Steve Bradl 30

7) Albert Espargaro 30

8) Bradley Smith 28

9) Andy Iannone 25

10) Paul Espargaro 25

Next up is round 5 at Le Mans, in France. Get there, Jacques!

T...out.

MM93

MM93...crushing souls during FP2 at the De la Soul-sponsored Airlines de Republic Argentinian Airlines Grand Prix de something-or-other...plus tax. First class, bitches.

MotoGP Round 2-The Schwantzenring

MotoGPville rolled deep (so deep it put that ass to sleep) into the heart of Texas for the second round of the 2014 season. The big hullaballoo was that MotoGP legend, Kevin Schwantz, and DORNA/COTA had settled their differences, fist-bump-boomed, and Schwantz came out on top by virtue of being named COTA's 'Ambassador of Motorcycle Racing'...and that he would be allowed to attend a race at the track that would not not exist if it wasn't for his hard work and determination.

The runner-up trophy in the 'America's got hullaballoos' extravaganza went to Texas' own Colin Edwards II and his announcement of his retirement from motorcycle racing effective at the end of the 2014 season during the pre-race jabber-fest. Thanks for the memories, Colin. The swear jar will be significantly-less funded without you...until Jack Miller steps up to the big-boy class.

Before we get our Texas-on, we need to whoa-down the ponies and take a bullet-style look back on what went down at round 1, in Qatar. Harden your hearts and brace yourselves for a 'Qatarflash-back'.

> Marc Marquez won from a pole position start (shocker, I know).

> Old Rossi looked like the Rossi of old and almost didn't get beat by Marquez.

> After pretending to care, Pedrosa spent his money at the company store and finished a safe third. Good boy.

> Jorge Lorenzo crashed out of the lead on the first lap...smashing his 'unhappiest lap' record in the process.

> Bradl crashed...he was uninjured and was able to goosestep back to his underground bunker.

> Copycat Bautista also crashed...he and his hair were uninjured.

> Azi Farni is quite short...and quite hot.

> The floodlights at Qatar are regulated by a bed-ridden lady with a God-powered Clapper.

OK...enough about that. Fast-forward to Texas where Marquez picked up where he left off at the sandbox...fastest in every session, taking pole position, and basically crushing souls from here to Christmas...all with a helpful smile in every aisle.

Pedrosa and Bradl rounded out the front row. Allen's Asparagus did well to put his NGM/Forward/Underprivileged/CRT/Whatever machine in the fourth grid position. JLo fifth on the grid and Rossi sixth. Homeboys Hayden and Edwards in a star-spangled fourteenth and nineteenth, respectively. Fuck yeah!

On to race day. While the MotoGP riders were sitting in their pitboxes listening to their Ipods and wearing white sunglassses, the support classes were doing the business on track. In Moto3, Australia's Jack Miller won the race and celebrated by dropping a bunch of f-bombs. In Moto2, America's Josh Herrin initiated an expensive yardsale in the first turn of the race. Josh is a cool dude and great rider...I'm sure he'll complete a racing lap before the end of the season.

As the crowd returned from the snack bar with more bacon-wrapped Twinkie steaks, the MotoGP riders completed their warm-up lap and took their spots on the grid. While the rest of the riders were adjusting their junk and waiting for the light, Lorenzo decided to jump the start by so much that a sundial was needed to measure his infraction. Knowing he was going to get a ride-through penalty, Lorenzo said 'fuck it' (but in Espanol) and took off. Lorenzo's 'amazing' start wouldn't have really mattered, as the law-biding Marquez was right on his assbone within a few corners. At the end of the first lap, Lorenzo ducked into pit lane to pay the piper. He rejoined the race in last place...way the fuck back. He managed to salvage a decent 10th place finish, and later attributed his colossal brain-fart to having to remove a mosquito-stained tear-off while gridding up. Let that sink in.

With mosquito face out of the way, Marquez giggled, slid, and stoppied his way to his second consecutive win...complete with a StarBoyz tribute on the final corner of the final lap. The kid is seriously unfuckwithable. Back in the pack, Pedrosa was consistently quick, but wasn't able to hang with Marquez, and finished in a respectable 2nd place...Tokyo harbor will have to wait. Early in the race, Valentino Rossi looked to have something for the front-runners, but eventually drifted bask to an 8th place finish courtesy of a cheese-gratered front tire.

While Rossi was doing a full-retreat, It was Ducati's Dovizioso who was looking solid and motoring up through the pack courtesy of some impressive overtaking moves. Dovi's teammate, Cal Crutchlow, didn't fair so well as he drifted back to 10th, pitted for a new rear tire, rejoined the race, and then hit the deck with nine laps to go.

With Marquez and Pedrosa way the fuck out front, Dovi did well to plop his Ducati in the third and final podium spot. Bradl finished fourth, and Schoolboy Bradley Smith finished in a career-best fifth place. He'll be on the box before the end of the season, for surely.

So there you have it...Marquez is batting .1000 on the season and heads to the next round with two poles, two wins, and a fourteen point lead in his man purse. The next stop is at the new Termas de Rio Hondo circuit in Argentina, next weekend. If you plan on putting money on someone other than Marquez for the win, you might as well stick your dick in a toaster...but make sure it's plugged in first.

T...out.

Race Result:

1) Marc Marquez / Repsol Honda

2) Dani Pedrosa / Repsol Honda

3) Andrea Dozioso / Ducati Factory

4) Stefan Bradl / LCR Honda

5) Bradley Smith / Monster Yamaha Tech 3

6) Paul Espargaro / Monster Yanaha Tech 3

7) Andrea Iannone / Pramac Ducati

8) Valentino Rossi / Movistar Yamaha

9) Allen Espargaro / NGM Forward Racing Yamaha

10) Jorge Lorenzo / Movistar Yamaha

11) Nicky Hayden / Drive M7 Aspar Honda

12) Hiroshi Aoyama / Drive M7 Aspar Honda

13) Yonny Hernandez / Pramac Ducati

14) Karel Abraham / Cardion AB Honda

15) Hector Barbera / Avintia Racing

16) Michael Laverty / Paul Bird Motorsport

17) Danilo Petrucci / Ioda racing ART

18) Mike DiMeglio / Avintia Racing

DNF) Scott Redding / Go & Fun Honda Gresini

DNF) Colin Edwards / NGM Forward Racing

DNF) Cal Crutchlow / Ducati factory

DNF) Alvaro Bautista / Go & Crash Honda Gresini

DNF) Broc Parkes / Paul Bird Motorsport

Danny Boy...Fuck Yeah!

Today, Rider's Discount Triumph rider, and housewives' favorite, Danny Eslick took his maiden Daytona 200 victory while I shoveled copious amounts of corned beef into my face. In addition to his win, Danny Boy also took pole position for the race, and earned himself a nifty new Rolex watch that came equipped with a GPS-enabled toilet flusher and popcorn button. Booyah!

As for the race itself, Danny got the holeshot and spent the first half of the race dicing it up with Okla-homie Dane Westby, Jake Lewis, DiSalvo, and some random blue Yama-bots. On lap 38, Westby hit the deck, taking the yard gnome with him. With all that drama out of the way, Eslick stuck to his race strategy of 'not falling down and leading the last lap', and it was smooth sailing to the end, where he finished 10+ seconds ahead of the rest of the field. The highlights of the race included Eslick flipping off a slower rider, waving at the crowd while at full-lean, and falling off a school bus during his cool-down lap celebration shenanigans...he did some sweet wheelies, too (imagine that). Jake Gagne and Super Jake Lewis rounded out the podium on their Yamaha R6 roadracing motorcycles.

Eslick will leave Daytona with AMA Daytona Sportbike championship-points lead...probably a hangover. Well-done, Danny! See you in twenty years, at Road America.

*Photos courtesy of me doing a Google search. Video courtesy of Pat Mooney.

CMRA Round 1 - Skateboard Jail

A fortnight ago, The Speed Moto Company crew made the short commute down Texas-way to CMRA Round 1 at Motorsports Ranch Houston, which is conveniently located just south of...um...Houston. On the way out of town, as we were gassing up the rape van, we were approached by a disheveled-looking homeless rapper who was looking for a ride down south. Being the kind souls that we are, we obliged, and away we we went.

All was well until we approached a toll booth in Oklahoma. It was then that homeless rapper thought we needed some new music, leaned up to us adults in the front, and offered his Avril Lavigne-packed I-Pod for our 'entertainment'. After throwing up in his mouth a little, Owl Sharpton told him that shit gets no play in the rape van, tossed the I-Pod in the toll basket, and did a burn-out (from the passenger seat) that was so smokey that all the area airports had to be shut down due to visibility issues. Thanks, Obama.

After a short pit stop in Tulsa and a 3-hour crawl through Houston's rush hour traffic, we arrived at the track. Registrations got, trailer dropped, and off to the Geritol Inn. Speed Moto Company's travel consultant was less than pleased with our accommodations, but the Jesus-shaped jizz stain on the hotel carpet let me know that everything would be alright.

Friday morning, and the Speed Moto Company crew has shit, showered, shaved, and made its way to the track in such a timely manner that would make a Swiss watch look like a tardy bag of hot garbage and eggs. Big Daddy Brian and the homeless rapper took to the track on their crouch rackets, figured out which way to go, tested the gravel traps, and got the powerband fluid on their bikes calibrated to proper atmospheric parameters. Good work, good night.

Saturday morning...the crew absolutely pillages the hotel's complimentary continental breakfast and heads to the track for the weekend's racing shenanigans. I'm tired of typing, so here's the sponsor-friendly recap of the weekend's racing courtesy of Speed Moto Company's corporate press officer;

Houston happenings...

Although the results may not reflect it, the CMRA season opener, at Motorsports Ranch Houston in Angleton, Texas, was a solid and productive weekend for Kinzer Naylor Racing.

First order of business was the C Superbike 4-hour endurance race. Kinzer got an excellent start, on his Kawasaki ZX6R, from 19th on the grid, and made his way up to 9th within two corners. Kinzer continued to run inside the top-ten for the first hour of the race. At the end of the first hour, he came in for fuel and a rider change. After an efficient pit stop, Kinzer's team mate and father, Brian Naylor, headed back out for the second hour. Brian continued to run inside the top ten until about halfway through his stint, when 4th gear on their bike decided to take the rest of the day off. Instead of calling it a day, the team decided to take the 'frame-change' penalty and use the rest of the race to allow Kinzer to get their second bike dialed in for Sunday's sprint races. After a quick transponder swap and fueling, was back on track putting in race simulation runs at the same pace as the endurance race front-runners.

Sunday's 5-lap sprint races all had a very similar feel to them. In all four races, Kinzer started from the back row of the grid (lesson-learned, kids, get those pre-entries in ASAP!). First up was the Expert B-Superstock race. From 29th on the grid, Kinzer got a blazing start and outbroke a third of the field, heading into turn 1. As the race progressed, Kinzer made his way toward the front, but with the race being only 5 laps long, he ran out of time, and scored a 13th place finish.

Next up, in the Expert C-Superstock race, it was much of the same, as Kinzer got another great start, from 25th on the grid, made up ten places into the first turn, and brought home a hard-fought 14th place.

For the Expert C-Superbike, it was a 28th place grid spot, and once again, it was Kinzer that the bottom third of the field watched go past them, on the brakes, into turn 1. As in his previous races, Kinzer ran a pace very similar to the front-runners, but could only do so much in 5 laps, and finished in a decent 11th place.

For his final race, Expert B-Superbike, Kinzer continued his turn 1 braking antics, this time from 21st on the grid. The impromptu push-up sessions and ketchup-based diet seem to be paying off. This time, Kinzer had some clear track in front of him and was able to quickly reel in the top-ten group before finishing in a weekend-best 9th place.

With round 1 and some championship points in the bag, look for Kinzer much further up the points-based starting grid, for CMRA Round 2 at Texas World Speedway, in College Station, Texas.

Kinzer Naylor Racing would like to thank its sponsors; Speed Moto Company, Pit Pass Moto, Invinci Graphics, Spiegler, South Central Race Center, Graceland College, and Downhill District.

We now return to our regularly scheduled program. Other than 4th gear in the endurance bike shitting the bed, it was a solid start to the season for Big Daddy Brian and the homeless rapper. After Sunday's races and a quick visit to the CMRA skateboard jail, Owl Sharpton and the rest of the crew headed to the Mexican Gulf to hang ten and get sand in our shoes.

That's about that. See you in a few weeks, at Texas World Speedway, for CMRA round 2. Bring tacos....a lot of tacos.

T...Out

MotoGP ~ Le Mans ~ The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly In France

I'd like to welcome both of my three followers back to the fourth round of the 2013 MotoGP world championship at Le Mans, which according to Mapquest, is in France. Last time out, at Jerez, lil' Dani Pedrosa took a comfortable win, making him the third different winner in as many races. That wasn't the top story, though. The big 'to-do' out of Jerez was Marc Marquez punting Jorge Lorenzo off track in the final corner of the last lap. As a result of his shenanigans, Marky Marquez bagged second place in the race, and the lead in the championship points. Lorenzo managed third in the race, and epitomized the phrase 'butthurt', in the process.

So here we are at soggy-assed Le Mans.

As usual, for a MotoGP weekend in France, the weather suited the indigenious amphibian populaton with a fruity mix of rain, dry, kinda rainy then dry, and dryish rainy conditions. After the three practice sessions, the usual suspects were given a 'pass' into QP2, while the rest of the 'drivers' (c. Ralph Sheheen, 2013) duked it out in QP1. At the end of the first QP session, it was Aleix Espargaro and France's Randy DePuniet who were crowned the 'best of the rest', and advanced to the QP2 'Showcase Showdown'. QP2 was a little more dryish than wettish, and a the end of the session, it was Spain's Marc Marquez who was the closest without going over. For his efforts, Marquez was rewarded with a waverunner, a pair of 4-wheelers, a pop-up camper, and pole position. Runner-up Jorge Lorenzo went home with a dinette set, a Broyhill recliner, a set of steak kinives, and second place on the grid. Dani Pedrosa was happy to accept some handsome parting gifts and rounded out the front row in third position. Everyone else went home to spay or neuter their pets.

Sunday, and although there are dry spots forming on track, the race is declared wet...kind of the opposite of an old man's tighty whiteys. Marquez kicks his umbrella girl, Vanna White, to the curb, the riders take their warm-up lap and re-grid, the lights go out, and away we go. An odd turn of events takes place at the moment the race starts; the Earth momentarily stops spinning on its axis, which causes poleman Marquez to drop back to someteenth place, while Ducati's (yes, you read that correctly) Andrea Dovizioso takes the holeshot and leads everyone into the first corner...followed by Lorenzo and Pedrosa. Behind them, it's Bradl, Rossi, Hayden, and Crutchlow. At the end of the first lap Dovizioso has actually put a gap (I'm for serious) on the field, while Pedrosa has gone past Lorenzo for second.

A few laps later, Dovizioso's two-lap wet dream comes to an end as Pedrosa overhauls him for the lead and scampers off for the win. Meanwhile...Rossi, Crutchlow, and Hayden are closing on podium spots while Lorenzo, bogged down by the weight of his newly acquired Boyhill recliner which is bungee'd to his tail section, is dropping way back in the pack. What about poleman Marquez? After shitting the bed on the start, he's back on the case, up to seventh behind Bradl, and motoring.

In front of them, Hayden is pressuring Rossi for fourth. Rossi finally succumbs to Hayden's tomfoolery and beaches his Yamaha. Hayden's podium challenge ended as he was forced to avoid Rossi's yellow and blue yardsale...losing a lot of time in the process. Bummer, dude. Rossi remounted and finished in twelfth. So then, Crutchlow's up to second and Marquez is on Dovi's ass, in fourth, with three to go.

Two laps to go, and Marquez gets past Dovizioso courtesy of a fuckin' sweet inside/outside move into/out of the chicane. So, Pedrosa wins it, and takes over at the front of the championship points in the process. Crutchlow takes his best-ever MotoGP result in second. Marquez keeps his podium run alive in third.

After the race, Jorge Lorenzo blamed his shitty result not on his Broyhill, but on a crap Bridgestone tire. The Bridgestone engineers investigated the situation and their conclusion was 'dude, you're high'. Methinks someone's still suffering from an advanced case of buttis hurturis.

Result;

1) Pedrosa/Honda

2) Crutchlow/Yamaha

3) Marquez/Honda

4) Dovizioso/Ducati

5) Hayden/Ducati

6) Bautista/Honda

7) Lorenzo/Broyhill

8) Pirro/Ducati

9) Smith/Ducati

10)Bradl/Honda

11)Iannone/Ducati

12)Rossi/Ducati

13)Espargaro/ART Aprilia

14)Petrucci/Suter BMW

15)Abraham/ART Aprilia

16)Edwards/FTR Kawasaki

17)Laverty/PBM Aprilia

18)Barbera/FTR Kawasaki

19)Aoyama/FTR Kawasaki

DNF)Hernandez/ART Aprilia

DNF)DePuniet/ART Aprilia

DNF)Pesek/Suter BMW

DNF)Corti/FTR Kawasaki

DNF)Staring/FTR Honda

The next stop is in Italy at Mugello. Will homeboy Rossi finally hit the top of the charts, or will the reign of Spain continue? Survey says...

This one's for Aaron.

T...out.