Things have been going fantastically. A grid filled to bursting with promising rookies and veterans with something left in the tank. Pits filled with the latest and greatest production-based, two-wheeled rocketships (and Kawasaki). A huge 15 round, 30 race season combining classic, beloved race venues with a smattering of new and interesting tracks. The 2008 Superbike Party is all set to go off, but it turns out there is a turd in the punchbowl.
A cheating turd.
Thumping Ducati's and Angry Aussies have joined forces to spoil all the fun. Sound familiar?
The Axis Of Evil 3.0 do not want excitement. They do not want championships to go down to the wire. They do not want you to think your favorite rider has a punchers chance.* Their idea of fair play is taking a gun to a fencing match. If they had their way we would go back to the year 2004 and the World SuperDuck Championship.
But that would be too obvious, so they have been forced to make due with the 1098+100R.
But for Round 2 at Phillip Island, the harsh reality of impending Ducaussie™ domination could be overlooked thanks to some truly ridiculous riding** and dramatic unpredictability (for every position except first place).
Race 1
The red lights went out, followed instantaneously by the light going out in Michel Fabrizio's brain. Just like that, the first sphincter-tightening moment of the weekend was upon us. As the second factory Ducati stalled out on the first row of the grid, thousands of race fans the world over found out what they were made of.
If you began chanting "nononononononononono!" through clenched teeth, then go to bed tonight in the comfort of knowing you are, deep down, a decent human being.
If you mumbled anything like "yes!" or "sweet!" as a wide smile spread across your lips then lets just say that you, Biaggi, and guys who club baby seals have a lot in common.
Even in the dangerous and abusive world of motorcycle racing, nothing says "impending doom" like a stalled bike. The next 4 seconds felt like 3 hours as each passing wave of machines missed him by less and less. Finally Iannuzzo on a green bike plowed into the Italian (possibly the only time a Kwaka will "beat" a Ducati all year). It will be debated for centuries like the Bigfoot/Lock Ness Monster videos, but it appeared that Fabrizio's right boot was not only knocked off but cleared the above-track mounted camera at escape velocity. Perhaps the astronauts on the International Space Station have a souvenir headed their way.
The now be-socked only foot was amazingly still attached to Michel as he limped off the track. They should make entire racing suits out of that sock material. Less lucky was Iannuzzo whose bike caught his leg, performed a Leg Whip that Hulk Hogan would be proud of and finally sat, sumo-style, on top of the unlucky Ninja pilot.
The red flags came out appropriately midway through the lap followed by Checa realizing too late and demolishing his teammate Kiyonari. Sofuoglu also had to take avoiding action, otherwise Checa would have succeeded in taking out all three members of a three rider team at once, an amazing feat even for one with his bike-bending standards.
Phew!
So the racers re-mounted for the second start and Fabrizio took a noticeably cautious drag off the line. Smart lad. Bayliss lead as the Yamaha's swapped places occasionally, along with Max Noykershnir. Things were friskier further back with Max Biaggi barging forward from 16th on the grid thanks to a machine problem fouling up his SuperPole.
Haga started dropping out of the championshi…oops I mean the race…on lap 4 as Checa, Xaus, Nieto and Biaggi continued to surge forward. Unfortunately it looked too late as Stoner…oops I mean Bayliss…was extending his lead and smug Ducati owners everywhere looked on smugly.
The battle for second (get used to it) was hotting up with 7 riders tightly bunched and Haga gasping off the back. For a few corners we see The Bad Max and Checa together and suddenly flash back to when these two were teammates for the Factory Yamaha 500GP team. For those of you who are just learning this fact, you should probably take a break and go lie down somewhere for a while. It's okay, we'll be here when you have recovered and are ready to proceed.
Biaggi shortly reaches the front of the group and amazingly set off after Bayliss. Honestly it was reminiscent of Rossi getting a bad start, playing with the field then reeling Biaggi in before harassing him into a mistake. Had Biaggi turned the tables and become the hunter?
In a word…no.
Right after the commentator jinxed him by saying Biaggi hasn't crashed in some time, Biaggi dumped it off-camera, depriving us of the uplifting and life-affirming site of an ass cartwheeling through dirt.
The new battle for second continued to rage with plenty of paint trading. The random scrapes of other bikes paint schemes actually improved the looks of the eye-bleeding Suzukis, upgrading them from "Appalling" to "Hideous". Corser especially was up for it and continued to fight his visibly destroyed rear tire around the track. He even soldiered on after a wildly scary near highside out of turn 1. He looked likely to come off at any given moment and really deserved a round of applause no matter where he finished, and then a standing ovation for finishing second as he did.
Ducaussie™ took the victory by miles with the re-booted Fabrizio 3rd and Xaus 4th. Nieto held off Checa for 5th with The Good Max in 7th and Haga a distant 8th, but still ten places ahead of Shoo-Fly "I'm allergic to points scoring positions" Aoyama.
Race 2
Race two damn near saw a repeat of the start line pile-up of race one as Corser started to jump the lights, stopped, then re-started too late and was swamped by the field. Shockingly he got back up to 4th in just a couple of corners. Bayliss lead lap 1 then Fonzi Nieto, who apparently needs one full race under his belt before fully awake, blasted to the front down the start-finish straight.
Corser took his turn at the lead later the same lap, but it was not to last. In fact, Corser was completely incapable of wining this race for three reasons.
1) He and Haga had picked harder tires for race two. They dropped off as if the outer rubber layers covered an inner layer of honey-baked ham.
2) He had jumped the start so would be penalized for a ride-through.
3) He was going to crash.
Not wanting to waste everybody's time, he did the honorable thing and skidded out on lap 4.
Apparently everyone behind the front row of the grid just watch whoever happens to be in front of them rather than the lights, because something like 6 riders followed Corser, pied-piper style into jumping the start. The resulting ride-through penalties did no help to riders like Laconi and Smrz, who were having a decent run (honestly).
Biaggi was charging through the field again, on an even faster pace than last race as he was all over Nieto for 2nd by lap 5. Having learned his lesson from the crash in race 1 he took his time and…just kidding, he totally binned it again.
If he did learn anything it's that crashing at low-speed and off-camera is no fun for anyone, so he did us all a favor and almost ran into Nieto, locked up, tank-slapped then went down in a crumpled heap at 160+mph at the end of the front straight and slid for miles. Best of all he almost got splatted like a bug by his flopping Ducati 1098+100R.
For the weekend as a whole Biaggi turned a likely 50 point haul into 0 points, a fractured wrist and two mangled bikes. Win-win-win I say.
That left Xaus and Checa to bring the fight to Nieto. Checa opened negotiations by stuffing Xaus, feeling sorry for it, then waving a quick apology mid-corner. He even one-upped Haga by not crashing while doing so.
As things settled down up front, we got our first real looks at Lavilla, Sofuoglu, Russel Holland and Kiyonari as they battled over who got to demoralize Haga next. Holland, Elias and Takahashi must be in competition with one another to see who will be the first rider in the world to get their shoulder down without crashing.
Nieto was the next to pick on Nori by executing a waving fist at Xaus while knee down in the middle of turn 1, again without crashing. They make it look so easy, don't they Haga-san?
Commercial break for the new Hayabusa, which now looks more like a dowdy anteater with a thyroid problem than a speedy falcon. The commercial also shows it going in a straight line at a drag strip, further pointing out that they corner only slightly better than the average library.
The Axis Of Evil 3.0 brought home the double, followed by Carlos Checa (!) comfortably (!!) in second (!!!). Perhaps those stories that circulated years ago about Checa and his ridiculously modified R1 tear-assing around go-kart tracks smoking the rear constantly were not bunk.
Nieto completed the podium followed by Xaus then a gap back to Nuikershnir and Kayonari. The Samurai Of Sliding Backward held off Lavilla for 7th. The Rotten Tamada was the top Kawasaki in 14th, earning 2 championship points to take home and polish.
A quick look at the championship table shows just how much the cheating is ruining what would otherwise be a completely random free-for-all. Nieto would be leading for Pete's sake!!
Now we get a one month reprieve before Valencia. A track where the Ducaussie™ once destroyed the entire MotoGP field in a one-off ride. Doesn't exactly bode well does it?
* Unless your favorite rider is Shoe-huh? Aoyama, in which case you knew from the start there was no chance
** more specifically, crashing
